negative me (or) what makes you happy?

Ugh, I am slowly realizing that I have a bad attitude.  I don't know why I am so negative in my life right now, but I apologize.  The previous post about school photos is just one in a long line of negative thoughts in my head recently.  I really do love photos of my kids, no matter how overpriced or bad they are!  My boys are pretty amazing.  Since it is November now (and in an attempt to shake this negative attitude), I think I will share some things that make me happy.  Whenever I am saying prayers with the boys at night, I ask them what they want to say in their prayer beforehand.  I ask what they are thankful for from Heavenly Father and I usually word it, "What makes you happy?" They seem to understand that better than just "what are you thankful for?"  Although, I do like to associate that wording with it as well so that they will learn to be thankful/grateful.  Anyway, recently one night Jack's list of things that make him happy included: Mom, friends, and a couple of other random things that I can't remember.  They weren't the things that I would have said, and that's what makes it so great!

Here is my list right now (not in any particular order):

1- My home:  It feels more like a burden at the moment to try and figure out how to make it look nice and feel cozy and comfortable, but I keep forgetting how very lucky I am.  We have spent the last 12 years living in apartments and rental houses, usually complaining about space, yard for the kids, mold, cinder block, etc. We recently purchased our first home and it is absolutely beautiful.  I like to think of it as our mansion.  To many it would not be large enough or nice enough or have fancy enough furnishings to be considered a mansion, but to us it is huge (by far the largest place we have ever lived), beautiful (seriously- granite and hard wood, and plantation shutters- shut up!), and we are blessed to have the furnishings we have, even if they've been with us through 12 years of marriage/school/kids.  I can't believe this is our home and I truly want to make it a special place for our family, not just as far as the "stuff" goes, but I'd like to make it a place of love and kind words, happiness and safety for our children.  I'm still working on that part. :/

2- My kids:  I am very blessed to have three children.  I know it's not always a given and for us it has been an adventure. Three boys who are rambunctious and energetic, busy and curious, love to play games, watch movies, eat, run, ride bikes, sing, dance, and make messes.  They also love to read stories, draw, and write.  Each has his own talents and little things that make me smile.  I told Ben as I cuddled him in bed last night how special he is (Jack and Pete had already fallen asleep).  I love telling them how special they are.  I usually say to each, "You are my best Jack."  "You are my best Ben." "You are my best Peter."  I want them each to feel like they are my favorite.  If ALL of them can grow up and look back on their childhood and say "I was mom's favorite!", that would make me happy.  Another thing I need to work on.


3- Wade:  Needless to say, he's a pretty great guy.  He's one of those people who is naturally talented at everything he does. Not only did he show an aptitude for science early, taking college courses in High School, then studying Biochemistry and Chemistry in college.  He then decided to go on to get a PhD in Chemistry and then a Post-Doc all the while working his butt off at part-time jobs as an undergrad and teaching/TA-ing in graduate school (not to mention having a wife and kids to provide for as well). Not only is he incredibly book smart and street smart (which I am writing here to mean: intuitively wise.  He always knows what to do and is level headed and keeps his cool), he is also a talented athlete. Soccer was a big part of his life and he played in college, but he also excels at pretty much any other sport he plays.  You wouldn't know it to look at him since he's not a tall athletic build, but he routinely shocks people who consider themselves talented athletes when we destroys them at volleyball, tennis, racquetball (that would be me), etc. Sometimes it can be frustrating for someone like me who is such a failure at most things (but keeping positive :), but mostly I just feel really lucky to have him.  I certainly don't think I'm in his league and I'm grateful for him.

So, I have written too much about Wade already, but the most important part about what I think is so great about him, is his patience with me.  His dedication to our family.  The amazing father that he is to our boys.  I feel like a lost soul with no direction most of the time when it comes to marriage and parenthood.  I didn't exactly learn the appropriate ways to do these things.  But somehow, he seems to know what is best and he can do it.  I feel like with him, I can't fail (although sometimes it seems like I'm trying so very hard to do so).  Over and over again, he puts up with my 'blonde' moments, which are frequent.  Already in less than 6 months, I've locked myself out of the house, out of the car, forgotten to pick up my kids from school for early release (twice!), and had countless other "Cristi" moments.  I think that maybe I can just plan better or work harder, but alas, I have my moments no matter what I do. He is the best father I can imagine.  He loves to play soccer (or other sports/games) with the boys, he puts them to bed with tickling and back-riding and he disciplines them with love and kindness.  I want to be like him someday.

4- Schooling/Job/Income-  These all seem to be wrapped up into one.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to go to college.  In large part it was thanks to parents, organizations that gave scholarships and friends who set the example to go.  No one else in my immediate family had ever received a college degree, so it wasn't something inherently valued in my family.  But I did it and I loved it. It changed me and I look back on those years as more than just intellectual growth, but personal, spiritual, social growth.  I am so glad that I could study to become a teacher and then had the chance to teach for a while. It seems odd now:  My kids are all in school and I have come full circle from when I was a newlywed with no kids, teaching 4th grade.  Then one day, I was a mom with a brand new baby boy, leaving my job to stay with him and teach just one child.  Then that one became three and there were many years of babies and poop and no sleep and frustration, and love and cuddling and singing to sleep and rocking.  It's not a lot different now, just that they go away for a big part of the day and I feel this new feeling like I can do something more outside my home and away from my kids.  Something that I went to college to do and trained and loved and did for those years before they came.   I am looking forward to finding my fit in this new-to-me world right now.

Wade's schooling/job/income that provide for us also make me happy.  It has been a long road mixed with my education and job and then the arrival of our children and growth of our family, but now, somehow, 10 years after he first said, "I think I'd like to go to grad school," now he is starting his career as a professor.  He has worked very hard and will have to continue to do so.  He has given up a lot of things that he would probably like to do.  He also loves his job and puts a lot into it because he loves it and wants to succeed.  I am very proud of him in his success so far and I know that he will do well in the future.  He has been a dedicated Student, Scientist, Researcher, Chemist, Provider for our family.  I really don't know anyone who works harder (or smarter) than him.

I can't think of anything else right now.  Too much positive thinking for my negative brain right now ;).